“Dolly Dagger”, Jimi Hendrix

Dolly Dagger

This is one of my favorite songs from First Rays of the New Rising Sun.  I used to listen to that album in my car all the time when I was in my mid-twenties, and “Dolly Dagger” really stood out.  Right now I am thinking about it because the man who broke my heart a few months ago told me early in our relationship told me how much he loves this song.  One afternoon we were chatting on Facebook, and I mentioned I was playing this album.  “That’s got ‘Dolly Dagger’ on it!” he exclaimed. 

 

I knew we were meant to be.

 

Here comes Dolly Dagger

Her love’s so heavy

Gonna make you stagger

 

Well, my love certainly did make him stagger!  But that scared him.  I’m too intense for him, too passionate and overwhelming with my affection.  I love him, mind, body, and soul.  And that was too much for him to handle.  After three months of awesomeness together he suddenly remembered he preferred being alone, and after being passive-aggressive and trying to get rid of me by avoiding me for two shitty months, I declared my love in an eight-page letter and said he needed to talk to me in person about what was going on.  When he did, he dumped me Twitter-style—in 140 characters or less. 

This, of course, is a very simple version of what happened.  I am aware that it sounds crazy and like I moved too fast.  But everything that happened between us happened at his pace.  My feelings were involved pretty much from the first date, but it’s not like I started talking marriage at any point.  I’m 41 and know who I am and what I want, but I don’t think he knows those things about himself yet at age 43.  I never apologize for how I feel or how unconditionally I love someone.  I understand that it scares some people, but I was never fake in any way with him, even before we dated.  I’m a little fucking crazy, sure, but I’m sincere and will do anything for you if I love you.  He just couldn’t deal with it.

 

Dolly Dagger

She drinks the blood

From the jagged edge

Drink up, baby

 

I am still in love with him, and I am not really trying to get over it.  It’s too difficult right now.  The crazy train needs to run out of steam, and it still has a long way to go.  This is how I handle things.  In the old days I would be drinking every night to try to cope, but I don’t have that crutch anymore.  I thought I’d be past this stupid shit by my age, but oh well.  This is the first real relationship I’ve ever been in, and having it end like it did really fucked me up.  I’m not good at letting go of anything.  I cried last year when I decided (with his encouragement) to recycle some of the hundreds of plastic containers I had in my kitchen, so letting go of a man I love who I thought had feelings for me for at least a little while is really difficult.  I’ve been going through it for two months—really, almost four months, since things started to get weird after the last night we spent together.  I’m kind of a mess right now.

 

She ain’t satisfied

‘til she gets what she’s after

 

What I’m after is not sex or even a boyfriend.  I still love him and wish we could be together, but he’s obviously too confused and insecure to make that happen.  And he was so confident for so long before things got heavy between us!  At this very moment, what I’m after is the truth.  I know what I believe the truth is, because what he told me when he dumped me was some bullshit that was easier for him to say and it basically guaranteed that I couldn’t say much back.  I have no sense of closure, because he never answered my questions.  He didn’t leave things open-ended, but he didn’t explain anything.  I need answers.  I am not going to get them, so this will probably drag on for a long time in my head before I get my shit together.

 

Yeah, I didn’t talk much about Jimi’s brilliant song.  But “Dolly Dagger” makes me think of my love for the one who got away, so that’s what I needed to write.  Maybe when I have a clearer head I can write something better.  Blerg!  

Jimi painting again

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